(Disclaimer from me, the thoughts and views expressed in this blog post do not reflect my views on women. This is just a response with SATIRICAL elements to my friend, and amazing writer, Stephanie Q, article: Flirting vs Friendly. So enjoy. Thank you.)

Say you’re at a festival and you see that one girl with an amazing smile, pumping her fist away. You realize through the flashing neon lights and streams of fluorescent lasers that there is something unique about her, invoking this new-found urge to get her attention. Before you could go talk to her, a flood of insecurities and doubts halts your steps and forces you to rethink the whole situation.

Well that’s what I’m here for . . . well I’m no Casanova: just an Asian kid who has been through trials and many errors. I’m here with warnings for my fellow bros; I’m here to make sure you “check yo self before you wreck yo self!”

1. If she says she likes your kandi then she wants the D!

If some girl takes the time to burrow her way through the crowd to say “I like your kandi,” then she’s trying to talk to you. If she’s complimenting you then she’s deff hitting on you dwag. Trying to get some of that ALPHA!

Look bros, if a girl says she likes your kandi then maybe she just genuinely likes your kandi. Maybe she is a kandi enthusiast. If she compliments you on your piece then strike up a conversation; she notices you so that’s a good thing. You can use this as way to slip in a flirt but don’t use this as an excuse to try and jam your tongue down her mouth.

2.There’s no way a girl is just trying to dance

If a girl is up there shaking her carefully crafted booty, then she’s waiting for some Alpha.

Don’t assume that just because girls is at a festival, who are wearing eye-catching apparel, are there to meet guys. Just because she’s shaking that rave booty doesn’t mean it’s a National Geographic mating call. If she rejects you then you have to respect that. She’s doing you a favor by letting you down easy, bro. It’s also wrong to assume she’s a lesbian or call her derogatory names after the rejection; be a mature adult and leave, at least you asked her.

3. Bump and GRIND!!!

Just sneakily walk up behind her and start pumping that fist. Flex those biceps, shrug those shoulders, you’re not wearing that tank top cuz it’s comfortable. You spent all that time in the gym and taken half of GNC, show her what those steroids got cha. Strategically pump that fist next to her and “accidentally” bump into her. If she bumps back then that means she wants it.

I will have to admit that in the past I have done this with success. But that doesn’t mean go around “accidentally” bumping into every cute girl you see. Most girls find it creepy when strangers comes behind them and forcefully grind on their unprotected back. Don’t keep coming after she shakes you off like some creepy grinding Terminator. If you want to dance with a girl, a back-attack isn’t the answer.

4. Uplift her hands and into her rave panties

Right before that sick drop from one of those awesome Top 10 bangers, there is an overused build-up. You gotta look at her and say, “I love this part” and grab her hand and lift it in the air. This shows her that you’re sensitive and sh*t. Then she is left defenseless and you gotta seize this moment to strategically give her a twirl into your grinding position.

Sometimes when a guy tries to dance with a random girl a train wreck occurs as the guy tries to spin the girl around for a dance. There is a sense of trust when you hold someones hands up in the air during a euphoric moment, you share a bond as the lights shines and the beats surrounds everyone. So embrace it for what it is and don’t use it as an excuse to creep.

5. Hug and Squeeze her into your trap

Rave chicks love to hug and cuddle. Give her the nod and hug her. It’s a reason to get close. Make sure she smells your alpha smell that has been manifesting since the banger dropped. Cuddle hard and remember that girls love it when you say creepy things to them.

I don’t like to hug much, especially during a festival when I’m all sweaty and smelly. I’ve seen it too many times when after a hug there would be that lingering arm. If she’s jumping up and down and the only connection between you two is your desperate arm, then just let go. If it was really meant to be then she would come back to you.

6. No such thing as a FRIEND-ZONE!

No Alpha settles in the friend-zone. If she says that she only wants to be friends then you gotta move onto the next one. She’s not ready for an alpha like you. Or fist pump your way out of the friend-zone by playing the friend card.

This could either apply to that new person you met or that one person whom you have been eying in the crew for the last 4 sets. If she says she wants to be friends then you gotta respect that. Who knows, maybe something will happen later down the road. However, at that moment she just wants to be friends. Don’t use that sneaky friend card to try and get into a girls rave box, be her friend. A trust and respect between friends is one that should not be broken.

Alright bros, I’ve given you some tips on how to NOT be a creeper. You’re an intelligent human being, don’t be a bro looking for that “gash.” Use your words, talk to girls. Words good, random grinding bad . . . unless Channing Tatum. No girl likes a desperate bro. If she don’t like you then just move on. Rage hard. Be an ALPHA and not a creep.